I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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