these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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