i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I did not marry a roomba.
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