Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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