It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
