Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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