Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
