He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
