so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Randomize
