A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm gonna have a badass scar
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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