20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
