After last night, I could never be a politician.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize