Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
