Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
