Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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