I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
