i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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