Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
We are all done wearing pants today
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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