there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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