I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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