God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
