pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
