my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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