I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
