someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
