she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
