Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
