There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
