note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
