May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
