So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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