thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
