I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
