When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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