tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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