you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
