he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize