my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
