Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
