so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
