worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
