if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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