My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
