my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
