If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
