i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
