You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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