you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
