I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
