I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
