yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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