his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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