Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
