I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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