i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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