who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
two words...techno handjob
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
