You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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